Tightrope
by Sariyuki
Summary: Yaoi. HakkaixSanzo. Would you still chase a dream that would surely end in misery?


Title: Tightrope  
Author: Sariyuki  
Disclaimer: Gensomaden Saiyuki and its characters belong to the greatest Minekura Kazuya sama whom I worship!  
Pairing: SanzoxHakkaixSanzo  
Warning: Yaoi. Angst. Sanzo's POV.  
Notes: This is my interpretation of Saiyuki Requiem's ending song "Tightrope" by TETSU69. Not my usual style of writing. In all honesty, I'm not even sure that I like how this turned out to be *sigh* 

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The moon shone through the window, illuminating his slender figure. The warm breeze of the night ruffling his hair as he sat motionless, gazing at the outside world. What was he thinking? What was he looking so intently at? 

He should be sleeping, recharging his energy for tomorrow's journey. I wanted to tell him that. But somehow the dark shadow that fell on his face told me to just leave him alone. I left him alone. But I could not tear my gaze away from the sight of his figure next the windowsill of our room. 

Slowly he turned his head around and his gaze fell upon me. 

"Can't you sleep, Sanzo?" 

I sat and fumbled in the darkness for my pack of cigarettes, "Not really." 

"Am I bothering you?" 

I found what I was looking for and lighted one cigarette. I needed to smoke badly. 

"No, you're not," I said. 

He watched me for some moments and then turned away, looking out again. 

The silence was getting louder and louder in my ears. I never could stand him like this. He had turned into a completely different person. He was so far away in his own little dark corner. It seemed that nothing mattered anymore to him. Seemed that I didn't even exist in this room. 

Time ticked slowly. I was still watching him. 

This didn't surprise me. Sometimes when he was in his dark mood he would act like this. He would drown in his sorrow and fall into the private hell of his. I wanted to scream at him and tell him how useless all this brooding was. But as soon as my eyes met his, I knew that no words would be meaningful to him. He was too far for me to reach. 

I was on my third nicotine stick. I wondered what I'd do now. I wondered if I should talk to him. I wondered if it was wise to interrupt him when he's like this. I hated him like this. Brood didn't suit him. Not at all. 

Smile suited him best. The smile of his which was so devastatingly sad and heartbreakingly beautiful at the same time. The smile of his that could melt even the coldest heart. 

Under the golden rays of sunset, I had seen it. He had smiled at me with the saddest eyes I'd ever seen and I fell for it. 

He had looked into my eyes then and saw what's there. We both knew but we never said anything. What good would words be to us anyway? 

I wish I could stop thinking. 

I wish it would start raining. 

But the morning came suddenly and it was time to go. 

I knew he hadn't had any sleep. I hadn't stopped watching him. 

How it seemed strange even for me. The way I was always drawn to him. The way that my eyes always searched for his presence. It was like as if we were meant to be. 

I saw him moving. He walked up to me, sat on the side of my bed and looked at me with a strange expression on his face. He spoke as if he was in a dream. 

"You're so beautiful." 

He said it so sincerely. He said it so seriously that I almost believed in it. But I didn't say anything. 

"I watched you watching me," he said. 

I threw the last remnants of my cigarette and remained silent. 

"Is it strange for a man to be called beautiful?" he asked, a ghost of a smile appearing on his face. "Kanan used to ask me the same question." 

I didn't reply but waited. It seemed to me that he was talking more to himself than to me. He seemed to want to say more. 

"But I don't know," he continued, brushing my hair gently to the side. "If you're not beautiful then what is?" 

"Hakkai...," I began. 

But then he leaned closer and kissed me. 

It wasn't a passionate kiss, like the way I wanted him to do it. It was just a light brush of his lips against mine. And I thought he had said something when he did that. But maybe I was just imagining things. 

He touched my face and explored it with his fingers. He was smiling but I thought he was crying. 

"Sanzo," he called my name. 

"Do you know that," he said. "I could love you like no one else could." 

"In another world, in another time," he continued, his eyes were sorrowful but his smile was still there. "I really think that we could be happy together." 

"But right here, right now," his finger was tracing the line of my lips. "I only wish I could touch you without breaking you." 

"No one can break me," I replied. "Not even you." 

"No, that's true," he said sadly. "Because only love can break your heart. And when your heart breaks, you are broken too." 

I understood. 

He had been broken before. He thought he couldn't be broken anymore. He thought that I was going to break too. He thought I wasn't strong enough. 

He thought he didn't love me. 

He thought too much. 

"It's time to go, Sanzo. I'm going to wake the others up." 

He was getting up from my bed but I had made my decision, "No, wait." 

I grabbed his left arm and pulled him down. He obliged. 

"Yes?" he waited. 

I wanted this. I would make it happen. Even if my heart would break I would still make it happen. 

"Kiss me again and we can pretend a happy end." 

He didn't expect me to say that, I could tell. 

His eyes met mine, searching, looking. 

Finally, he sighed in defeat. He held his arm out and pulled me closer to him. 

"If that's what you want," he said. "Then let's pretend." 

He kissed me and I kissed him back hungrily. I placed my hand on his chest and I thought I could hear his heart pounding hard. But maybe it was mine. 

In this world where things weren't perfect and the sky wasn't always blue, I would only believe in the present. And I did believe in this, in this desperate kiss that we shared in an attempt to grasp what was so unreal, to make the things that weren't real to somehow become a part of reality. And even when all of this was over, I would still believe that we were meant to be. 

I pulled myself away from him. We were both rather breathless. I looked at him and I felt a sudden wave of desperation washed over me. 

"You won't betray me," I said, as if to myself. "Will you, Hakkai?" 

He turned his gaze away from me. 

"I've told you before," he answered. "I can never betray you, Sanzo. No matter what I do." 

That was a good enough answer. That was enough. 

"So," I said slowly, deliberately. "Will you stay with me?" 

Silence. He was still not looking at me. 

"I will," he finally said, barely audible. 

"Until the end?" 

At last, he turned his head and met my gaze. 

"Until the bitter end," he promised me. 

And as we walked out from the room and left the conversation behind I tried to think things over in my head. I didn't care if this wasn't wise. I didn't care what's going to happen to us. All I wanted was him and that's enough. 

And if the end was really bitter and we both ended up scratched and broken then we could always pretend that we had been happy all along. 

And I would pretend if it's for him. 

If it's for him I would do anything. 

=== End === 


End file.
